“How The Most Embarrassing Prostate Exam IN HISTORY Led To A Discovery That Helps Men Sleep Through The Night And Get Major Relief From Pee-Problems, Fast.”

Fair warning… this story is awkward, mildly graphic, and definitely embarrassing.

“I’ve been getting up to pee alot at night so the wife convinced me to schedule an appointment. "No worries," I said, "Except for my current pee-problems, I am a picture of perfect health."

The old ball-and-chain muttered something under her breath which I didn't quite catch - it was either "fat bastard" or "fit bar-steward" but she wouldn't repeat it.

I'll go with the bar-steward one because I have been known to frequent drinking establishments from time to time.

So anyway, I hopped in the ole Buick the next Monday and headed into town for the appointment. The receptionist told me the doctor was running a bit late - some old fella had swallowed his dentures or something.

So I ended up sitting around in the waiting room for about an hour and a half flipping through old copies of Reader's Digest, Horse & Country and Farmers Weekly.

Now, at some point, my colon got sick and tired of waiting around and started fidgeting - rapidly breaking down the bacon and eggs I'd had for breakfast. Man, traffic was getting seriously backed up at the main street exit, if you know what I mean.

So, I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Crap (pun intended), I’ll have to hold myself down for this one," and while working out a plausible excuse to hit the bathroom for a few minutes, the receptionist said I was up.

There was no escape so I did the old ‘reverse swallowing trick’, which is well-known to fellas like me who are prone to the odd bum-burp here and there.

This is where things get really interesting…

See, most doctors are old, smell of Old Spice and piss, and they're partial to a power nap. Yeah, so this new doc is not like that at all.

She is in her thirties and pretty in a sort of Dr-Quinn-Medicine-Woman kind of way. She's been awesome for the health of our little town because the fellas now drag the kids off to the doc at the slightest sniffle.

So I went into the consulting room and the doctor asked if I'd like a male doc to perform the exam. "Odd," I thought, but anyway, I didn’t feel like waiting any longer so I said no.

So we did the pulse thing, and the ears, eyes, throat thing, blow in this tube, stand on the scale, blah-blah-blah. Then she asked if I would undress to my underwear and lie on the bench as she needed to check for hernias and testicular cancer.

Oooooh-kay.

Things began to get very tricky as she was doing her checks extremely thoroughly - I was frantically trying to sing the national anthem backwards to myself whilst mentally yelling at my downstairs "DON'T YOU FRIGGIN MOVE!"

Let’s just say I ignored myself. I tried to stumble through an explanation... she just gave me an "I've seen it all before, don't you worry" smile, and patted me on my shoulder...

And then she told me it was time for the prostate exam exam...

“Lower your briefs and lie on your side.” "Odd" I thought again but only briefly as I was trying to tuck my errant old fella away out of sight.

So I was lying there still smarting from embarrassment when suddenly it felt like the doctor rammed a log of firewood up my nethers.

"A bit taken aback" is probably the politest way of describing my reaction, but she persisted, rummaging around like Santa searching his bag for a present.

I swear at one point she might have been in up to her elbow. If this wasn't enough, the bacon, eggs and my overactive metabolism came back to haunt me.

Yep. I farted long and hard, and holy $&%!, it smelled like it came from the deepest depth of Satan's own backside.

I can quite comfortably say that the embarrassment of becoming aroused during a hernia and testicular exam pales in comparison to farting in a hot doctor’s face!

Oh, and I saw the receptionist in the supermarket a month after the exam and she was laughing uncontrollably and pretending she had read something amusing on the back of a cereal box. "Yeah, right.”